Okay, the truth is that baseball is a very nice thing, though perhaps confusing to an NBA fan. The NBA fan is used to an organizing principle not predicated on the slow death, unless they live and die by the Memphis Grizzlies or the Edicts of Byron Scott. Baseball is all rugged individualism and the wrath of the invisible hand of the free market. But baseball also stormed the beaches of Normandy to fight fascism. Baseball is as American as that flag being raised in Iwo Jima or two men starting a small business on the moon.
Basketball is more of a street war, an alleyway skirmish, kind of a Stalingrad thing, bolt action rifle guys trying to make a dent in tanks come to put a hurt on your family. They are not compatible wars. Imagine Lawrence Frank or P.J. Carlesimo wearing jerseys on the sidelines. Imagine only using the most important player on your team once every three or four games, and imagine he's not even in the game during crunch time. Imagine if making shots was next to impossible. Imagine every team had a court of different dimensions. Imagine this fucked up world, won't you?
If you are done imagining, I've made a very helpful list that you, as fans or players of these basketball teams, can use to decide which of these two stick-ball squads you ought to support in this most dire of times. I think you'll find it most helpful.
Golden State Warriors- You should cheer for the Giants. This is some real no doy shit here, son.
Utah Jazz- You should cheer for the Royals. This is all about the culture war, and a blood red state like Utah can't afford to support anything even tangentially connected to Nancy Pelosi.
Milwaukee Bucks- You should cheer for the Royals. Why? I'll break it down into four words: Giannis Antetokounmpo. Mike Moustakas. The urge as a Bucks fan to cheer on the success of yet another "Greek Freak" will be difficult to suppress.
Detroit Pistons- You should cheer for the Giants, despite the fact that the Giants swept the Tigers in 2012. The reason for this is the people of Detroit do not like the people of Kansas City. I can't explain it, but it's a real thing and it will bleed into this series.
Atlanta Hawks- You should cheer for the Royals. The Giants are annoying.
Miami Heat- You should cheer for the Giants. The Royals are annoying.
The Oklahoma City Thunder- You should cheer for the Royals because post-season dominance really turns you on, you know, it's gross but it's a thing and maybe we should be less judgmental about our various idiosyncrasies. Plus, you also get mad boners for cities that are so desperate to prove they are cities that their names end with the word "City" (examples: Kansas City, Oklahoma City, Ho Chi Minh City, even the suburb of Sadr City in Baghdad).
The Denver Nuggets- You should cheer for the Royals. The Giants come from an area that was once awash in gold nuggets, and Denver does not take that lightly.
New York Knicks- You should support the Giants, though not go so far as to do anything as base or crass as cheer. New Yorkers will never support a team from a "fly-over" state, and may as well not even acknowledge the existence of Missouri. On top of this, the Knicks and the Yankees both are like that kid in Blank Check visiting a Thai whorehouse. Old money wins championships, and to hell with teams with smallish payrolls accomplishing things. Plus Carmelo sometimes wears an Orioles hat. The Royals took the Orioles behind the woodshed and made them commit seppuku in front of their best friends.
Toronto Raptors- You should cheer for the Giants. I mean, if it was the Alberta Raptors or the Winnipeg Raptors things might be different, but it's not. It's not about what you want but what you get.
San Antonio Spurs- The Spurs will be watching fútbol or perhaps developing new theories of advanced mathematics and putting those theorems and equations of advanced mathematics into their peace pipes and smoking them. Spurs fans can cheer for whomever they want. They've earned that much.
Portland Trailblazers- You should cheer for the Giants, because your two cities are spiritually entwined in more ways that either of you could ever admit. In fact, the things you hate about one another are actually the things you hate about yourselves. No Blazers fan could in good conscience root against a kindred spirit or a long long evil twin like San Francisco. Flannel don't lie.
The Los Angeles Clippers/Lakers- You should cheer for the Royals. The Dodgers have sort of a Royals color scheme and the Giants are just a bunch of jerks to the poor, poor little baby Dodgers. In fact, you are just angry that any one from Northern California has the temerity to call you out on using the expression "hella" or to tell you that your burritos are second class burritos at best.
Brooklyn Nets- Doesn't matter what the fans or players of this team think.
Minnesota Timberwolves- You should cheer for the Giants. The Twins have bad history with the Royals, the Twins are your team, therefore, you will support the team that is not the Royals and that team is the Giants.
Chicago Bulls- You should cheer for the Royals. Michael Jordan is considered the King of the NBA. You are devoted monarchists. You will support the embattled nobility over the slobbering petite bourgeoisie any day of the fucking week pal, now get me some damn hot dogs and put crazy green relish on it and some fucking tomato slices in there, what's taking so long buddy, youze got hot dogs for eyes or something??
Sacramento Kings- You should cheer for the Giants. Despite the very royal sobriquet, Sacramento is Giants country. I feel bad for having to tell you this, I mean do you even own a map and no, the one that still has the USSR on it does not count.
Memphis Grizzlies- You should cheer for the Royals. Nobody can really figure out why. You know, it's really quite a mystery.
Indiana Pacers- You should cheer for the Royals. Though both teams are sort of perennial under-achievers (the Giants are under-achievers that have won two World Series' in the past few years), the Pacers will side with the team they can imagine understanding acid rain and taking your lunch box to work. The Giants are scrappy, but they have the scrappiness of former frat-boys slowly coming out of the darkness. They probably haven't ever walked a mile or even mourned a murdered friend.
New Orleans Pelicans- You should cheer for the Giants, but only because Anthony Davis both consulted the bones and took the auspices. Two crows flying overhead heralded a vote of confidence for the team by the Bay. And then this happened:
"Come then," Tyreke Evans said angrily, 'Deduce when they make up in bed, if your augury can, whether what I have in my mind right now is possible.' And when Anthony Davis, expert in augury that he was, immediately said that it would happen, Tyreke Evans replied: 'Well, I thought that you would cut a whetstone with a sharp knife. Here, take this and do what your birds have predicted would be possible.' And Anthony Davis, hardly delaying at all, took the whetstone and cut it. 'Boom shaka laka.'
Washington Wizards- You should cheer for the Royals because the Giants stole your honor. Wolf Blitzer, both a Wizards and Nationals fan, wept. Rivulets of tears turned his erstwhile proud beard into a salty graveyard of dreams never to be realized. Plus, John Wall and Bradley Beal aren't the best backcourt in the league.
Cleveland Cavaliers- You should cheer for whichever team will take Dion Waiters off your hands. Probably the Royals. Okay, I got this one. You will cheer for the Royals.
Seattle Supersonics- #dang
Charlotte Hornets- You should cheer for whomever Lance Stephenson tells you to cheer for because god damn it, that guy is a helluva persuasive speaker. He's like Pericles meets Cicero meets all the characters from Deadwood. Some say he is such a persuasive speaker because he has an uzi pointed at your head, but others say it is because he has a mastery of egos, pathos, and logos. Sometimes life is a lil' of column A, a lil' of column B. That's fine.
Phoenix Suns- You should cheer for the Giants, despite your better judgement and past ambivalence, because when I googled "goran dragic eric bledsoe kansas city" nothing came up.
Orlando Magic- You should cheer for the Royals. Yeah, I don't know why.
Philadelphia 76ers- You should cheer for the Royals and the Giants. The rebuilding process is a convoluted and subtle process indeed.
Houston Rockets- You should cheer for the Giants, because the Royals beat the A's, and the A's are the moneyball team, and Houston loves moneyball. Darryl Morey is a rich Republican asshole, but man, is he a wiz-kid that loves "moneyball" or what!
Dallas Mavericks- You should cheer for the Royals because the Royals understand what makes this country great and because being from Dallas you could never cheer for a team called the "Giants" due to circumstances beyond your earthly control.
Boston Celtics- You should cheer for the Giants for a variety of reasons, but chiefly because Giants are big and bigger is better and Royals tried to make you pay for stamps and tea and shit and Boston never forgives, never forgets, never relents, never stops going in, never trespasses, never fights that war that rages within its own heart, never gives up, never gives in, never gives out change, never eats more than its fair share, never shares, never shaves, never runs, never walks, never hides, never backs down, and also they already won a World Series, so they are good. On the other hand, a vocal minority of Boston Celtics/Boston Celtic fans will cheer for the Royals, because the Orioles kept the Red Sox out of the playoffs a few years ago and the Royals put a beating on the Orioles championship dreams, so you know, it's all just a dumbed down transitive property joke #blessed #proud #bostonstrong #dropkickmurphys #goodwillhunting
Game of Thrones.
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