Chicago- Dennis Rodman has surprised certain people that are not used to being surprised and announced his intentions to invade North Korea and restore autocratic tyrant Kim Jong-Un to power. Many in the intelligence community have speculated that the silly dictator's mysterious absence and possible early run-in with gout portend something altogether more ominous, that is to say a possible coup of a beloved tyrant who grew up worshipping Rodman and the Chicago Bulls.
Rodman showed up to a hastily called press conference wearing a Double Team
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"I know you guys think Kim Jong-Un is an awful mean dictator that perhaps fed his uncle to dogs and you think I'm a real nutter butter for even having that guy in my life," Rodamn said, smiling, "But don't you think I know that? I wasn't born yesterday. I was born May 13th, 1961 to Philander and Shirley Rodman. I am 53 years old. The point is, yes, I get it. He is a dictator holding court over the terrified masses of a country under siege by itself for over fifty years. Yes, but more importantly, he's my friend."
"He's not really your friend you know," a reporter wearing a wrinkled cardigan said. His voice was tinny and weak. "He's using you to legitimize himself."
"You don't know a damn thing about it, bub," Dennis Rodman said, "Blood is thicker than water and soju is thicker than both. I've looked into his soul. I know his heart."
"Okay," the reporter said. He sounded satisfied. He sat down and spoke nevermore.
"As I was saying," Rodman continued, "I have assembled my team. Perhaps you read in the weeklies that my Basketball Diplomacy Outreach Team abandoned me. Perhaps you heard Sleepy Floyd claim that I tricked him into entering North Korea. Nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing. Nothing could be further from the truth, I said. As far as I am concerned, the truth is here, and what Sleepy Floyd said is in a wormhole floating outside of Deep Space 9. Sleepy Floyd is a goddamn motherfucking liar. And he's not part of my team. Allow me to unveil my team."
At this point the room grew silent as the lights dimmed slowly and Dennis Rodman fiddled with a power-point presentation. "Ah, there we are!" he said when it finally started working. Off to the side, Rodman's assistant, Sleepy Floyd, pressed "play" on a boombox and that song that is in Kill Bill Vol. 1 began to play ever so quietly.
Rodman began thusly: "Allow me to introduce my team.
Tyreke Evans- Demolitions Expert
Yes, I know what you are all thinking. Tyreke Evans won Rookie of the Year and then might as well
have vanished into the ether for the casual fan. Injuries, regression (gaudy
stat lines that put him in the company of Michael Jordan and Oscar Roberston
were not sustainable and plus his game is sort of annoying and ball hoggy, I Dennis Rodman never hogged a ball or anything else for that matter), and playing for a small market team that also happened
to be both a) terrible and b) embroiled in a re-location saga all contributed
to a diminished profile. The quasi-blockbuster trade that sent him to the
Pelicans (to join other scoring guards Eric Gordon and Jrue Holiday) all but
guaranteed him a high scoring bench role and relief from the
pressure he felt in Sacramento to be the man. Of course, that didn't really work out. Plus, I know he is good with bombs. I am excited to meet Tyreke.
Danny Granger- Luck Expert
Did you guys notice last year that the Pacers became the worst team in the world after they got rid of Danny Granger? Of course you did. My cat noticed and she only has three legs! Injury woes and the
prevailing attitude that somewhat scorns volume scorers relegated Granger
to a horrible life of being maybe good enough to be Paul George’s sidekick. Well, it's all spilled milk under the bridge. Every team needs a guy to keep the spirits high. If you have ever watched Akira Kurosawa's 7 Samurai you know the guy who chops wood fulfills that role and it is my hope that Danny brings that kind of wood chopping charm to our little gang of miscreants. Sorry Larry Bird or whoever is in charge in that weird town, but Danny Granger is going to have his revenge.
Manu Ginobli- Hand to Hand Combat
Manu will take his Euro-step and flopping abilities to a new level in Pyongyang. He is a transformational wily eyed
Argentine trickster that performs heroic feats on a nightly basis. I can only assume Kim Jong-Un will be in a secret basement somewhere surrounded by armed guards. We'll need someone who is not afraid to die to win this battle. With an all
around game and the tenacity of a hornet, Manu was often the second best player
on the team that became the gold standard for all other teams, and yet, I do believe he'll never be a sixth-man on our secret mission, but a starter. Yes his
hobbling limbs and erratic miscues nearly doomed the Spurs many times over the years but give the guy a break, he is literally insane, a crazy person, loco, divoneh, whatever you want to call it. He's stared into the abyss and spit in its eye. I should know, he told me! Never forget, reporters of all creeds and colors and political opinions, Manu Ginobli can still destroy you. Yes, I am aware of the bald spot. Yes...I am aware. of. the. bald. spot.
Rudy Gay- Gunner
Okay, maybe you see what I'm going for here now. I don't want KEVIN DURANT or LEBRON JAMES or any of those fools out on a mission this important. Those egos! Other than Monta Ellis, Rudy Gay has to be the most divisive
player in the NBA for you stat freaks, and isn't that saying something indeed! In the new world order, efficiency trumps scoring, and Rudy
exemplifies the high-flying athletic scorers that do little else. He's also a gentleman, I'll have you know. I never knew if Maryland was really considered the south but he has that hospitality down, oh, yes, he played in Memphis for awhile, did he not? I see now, of course. I was stupid and dumb to forget. His defense,
passing, and assists are all average or below (his rebounding is okay for his
position) but he does shoot a lot. Personally, as a fan of things you people do not like, I enjoy a fun mix of athleticism and Greek tragedy and Rudy is at the
epicenter of all the shenanigans. I will give him a machine gun.
DeMarcus Cousins- Bar Room Brawler
Oh, this guy is my secret weapon! This guy will either become the best player in the league or fade
away like a beautiful dream. He’s got all the talent in the world (it also
doesn’t hurt that he is huge, way bigger than I am), but without refinement. The maturity knocks are overstated, people just like to kick a huge man when he is down. Have you guys watched any Kings games? You have? Hold on, you have? I haven't. But anyone who has watched enough
Kings games knows the familiar sight of Cousins jawing with referees or talking
completely unnecessary trash to opposing players. With no discernible post
game, a shot selection that relies to much on an outside jumper that isn’t
quite there yet, Cousins is the type of dude who makes you pull your hair out
in frustration because he could be elevate Sacramento into a contender when he
puts it all together. I was in a movie with Jean-Claude Van Damme, and someday so too will DeMarcus Cousins be.
Al Jefferson- Wise Elder
Al Jefferson is the forgotten man but he’s turned some heads in Charlotte and he will turn heads in the DPRK. For one thing he possesses a skill set that has become
sadly antiquated for today’s big men. Low post mastery and an elegant feathery
touch around the basket. For another he is a master linguist, and should get us past customs with little to no problem. He's also an adept hand at bribing corrupt officials, both on the court and in the seedier towns along the DMZ. The Bobcats, I mean, the Hornets, excuse me, are a team mired in the squalor of
unceasing failure that worship at the altar or sort of success. I see our trip to North Korea along the same lines. Jefferson won’t play lockdown defense or amaze with his last
second buzzer beaters, but he'll keep us alive, damn you.
Luol Deng- Grizzled Old Soldier
I have nothing to say about Deng except that if you do not want him in the foxhole next to you then you must be a damnfool sir, a damnfool.
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David Lee- Sacrifice
Here’s a nasty little secret that the Kirk Goldberry folks don't want to hear: David Lee is a phenomenal
basketball player. He hustles relentlessly, grabs rebounds like a vulture
hovering around a piñata, can pass the ball beautifully for a big man, and has
a super reliable jump-shot out to about sixteen or seventeen feet. And
yet…the only reason I am bringing him on this mission is to die. At some point a sacrifice will be demanded, and that sacrifice will be David Lee. You think I'm going to let Tyreke Evans die? HAHAHAHAHAHA! (pause for laughter). Man, you guys. Anyway. Lee’s defensive woes are over-stated to the
extreme but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. He moves his feet slow. Yeah, that slow footed man will probably step on a land mine. I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm just being honest.
Mike Conley- Getaway Driver
I know what you are saying, in fact, I hear you saying it. I hear the guy in the tinny voice saying it, at least! Yeah, Mike Conley. He’s not a wrecking ball or a three point
samurai. He’s just a damn good point guard, one that will more often than not
make the right play and one that knows who butters his bread. That is to say,
Conley is adept at feeding his big men in the spots they like to be fed
(every reporter starts imagining Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph eating, though not everyone imagines them eating the same thing of course). That's why Mike Conley is going to be our getaway driver. He's a utility dude. He does what is needed. He'll get us out of North Korea by chopper, by motorboat, by tank if needs be. Conley will never be
a Top Ten point guard, but he’s destined to hover around the eleventh or
twelfth spot. More than any other Grizzly, Conley does what the team needs to win
when they need it. Not as sulky as
Randolph, nor as business like as Gasol, Conley has against all odds, become
the leader of this very, very good ball club. And now he's part of my ball club. Despite not being a superstar he
has the instincts of one and in the meantime does a bit of everything: scrappy
diminutive defense, smart passes, bunches scoring when necessary…Mike Conley
Jr. is going to have a more or less the same year over and over again, but
it’ll be a good year, assuming he does not get killed when David Lee does.
Any questions?"
A woman in a wrinkled cardigan raised her hand.
"Yes? What is your question?" Dennis Rodman asked, lowering his sunglasses lasciviously.
"We just got word that Kim Jong-Un has reappeared."
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Dennis Rodman said, "There are Pepsi sodas in the back if any of you are thirsty. Thank you for coming."
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